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Medical Humour - A little Humour for Your Funny Bone, it's Humerus!

This old lady walks into the Doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, please help me. I have a terrible problem with farting. It’s not really a social problem, because you can’t smell it or hear it, but I must have farted 20 times since talking to you.” The Doctor nods his head and says, “Take this bottle of pills and use them all. When they are all gone in about 2 weeks, come back to see me.” The old lady comes back 2 weeks later and is angry. She says “What was in those pills? I fart just as much. You still can’t hear them, but now they smell horrible!” The Doctor again nods his head and says, “Great, that takes care of your sinus problem, now let’s work on your hearing.”

Mary was shortsighted , to vain to wear glasses was determined to get married. She finally found herself a husband, and went off on a honeymoon with him. When Mary returned her mother gave a shriek , dashed to the telephone and rang up an oculist. “Doctor”, she gasped , ” You’ve got to come over here right away. It’s an emergency. My daughter Mary has always refused to wear glasses and now she is back from her honeymoon and…” “Madam ,” interrupted the doctor, “please control yourself. Ask your daughter to come and see me .No matter how bad her eyes are , it can’t be that much of an emergency.” “Oh, no ! ” said the mother. “Well , this fellow she’s got with isn’t the same one she went on the honeymoon with!”

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?” The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.” The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze!” The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?” The first kid says, “A circumcision.” The second kid says, “Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn’t walk for a year!”—A surgeon goes to return some books borrowed from the library…

The librarian quips after checking the books…..

“Sir your books are always returned with the last page missing in every book…”

The surgeon replies…

“I can’t stop myself from removing an appendix when ever I see one, be it in a person or a book.

<DocMD> *GROAN*

A biology student sees something growing on a tree and says to the teacher, “I see a symbiotic relationship between cyanobacteria and green algae.” Teacher says, “I’m lichen your analysis.”

A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, “You’re beautiful.” Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later, her husband woke up and said, “You’re cute.” Startled, she asked him, “What happened to ‘beautiful?’” He replied, “The drugs are wearing off.”

A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands. “Doctor,” says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. “Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?” “I don’t see why not,” replies the doctor. “That’s funny,” says the man. “I wasn’t able to play it before.”

A list of things you don’t want to hear during surgery:

  • Oops!
  • Has anyone seen my watch?
  • Come back with that! Bad Dog!
  • Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
  • Hand me that…uh…that uh…..thingy
  • What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change!
  • Damn, there go the lights again…
  • Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
  • Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
  • What do you mean, he’s not insured?
  • Let’s hurry, I don’t want to miss “Bay Watch”
  • What do you mean “You want a divorce”!
  • FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

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